Silence, I once thought, was my enemy.

Slowly, my friend, it has become.

It is not judgmental towards our weaknesses, our strengths, even

the bad and good acts we do to ourselves and others.

It is there when I am rejected or accepted.

It is willing to help me understand my weaknesses and gives me

insight into my character.

Through abuse, neglect, and rejection,

I was taught to keep silent, for I was not worth hearing.

How could I speak when I had trouble speaking?

By the judgments of others I learned, I was not valued,

I was not seen for who I am as a human,

only a body that is not measuring to the expectations

others so gallantly exalted to what is true, noble, right,

or what can help them feel better about themselves.

How sad I am finally knowing what silence is now.

My own silence and the silence of others.


Forgiving Pain

Into the depths, I go once again.
Wondering if I’ll meet a different Presence.
Deeper back, into the pain and sorrow,
isolation, rejection, accepting what may.
Is there someone else?
Is there a mighty Presence awaiting
to help me through?
Although sins are forgiven,
the effects of the harm from others
and myself have altered perception
that should never have been.
Yet slowly, in an innocent consumption,
I feel love and acceptance,
but not from any human to who cares not,
sees not, feels not, hears not, touches not.
Someone deeper. Consuming.
Like a fire, burning up the pain which is a part of me.
Although I’m not seen or heard,
I’m learning to see beyond the self appointed grave.
Religion says, “I’ll help yet at a distance so I’m not tainted or by your pain.”
Yet they see not their own pain, the depths of their God’s forgiveness.
Society says, “I’ll help! Yet stay away, I’m happy as my own. I refuse to see what I need or confront my own.”
Blinded by their own self-righteousness like the religious they blame they judge not.
These voices, quieter they become.
Slowly drowned out by the depths of the pain,
where I meet the Presence who loves.

Random Thoughts

These are random thoughts that pour through my head every once in a while. At times I place them. So here they are:

Power: Real power does not show off, it guides and heals. Real power does not seek to justify and promote itself, it covers the matter to find out who will seek the truth and will let go of the shackles that bind them. The process of positive thinking and words are not to make something yours or to be all powerful and to cause miracles or signs and wonders. The real power is in the humility and willingness to change yourself. It is the ability to see a situation regardless of the negativity and not to be blind to it. It allows your soul to be open to the possibilities the situation carries, then take them and change what may be.
It is quick and easy thing to say God is all you need and God will supply a person who is hurting. Just as Christ represented God on Earth, we represent Christ on the Earth. Think about it. Who do we represent? If we believe in a higher being who actually surrounds us, who loves us like we say, why can’t we move into the truth of being hands just as much as being his voice? Being his feet and seeing through his eyes? Why is that difficult? Because it requires an upsetting of our lives and perfectly kept theology. We’ve become more obsessed with words now instead of the truth and ability of actions. How dare we. We display our faith and how we believe God treats us by how we treat others.


I shifted in my seat,
the stifling air,
throat closing.
I never expect,
yet some horrible
anticipation rose,
Always rose; not the sweet smelling,
mind altering taking away burdens rose.
But the rose of not wanting yet always coming.
I hate expectations. Deceitful expectations.
Clouded mind no more but problems always still there.
Closer to relief, still known:
Cloudy skies gone in my mind,
yet somehow the storm remains:
The remains of a life dying,
the remains do not smell,
but left that bitter aftertaste,
metal mouth, and papers of ode to madness still written
through my mind.
Bad Words

Never, can’t and won’t: replace with ‘will not’, ‘no’ or ‘unable’. These negative words are about not doing or do not. They are passive words, unwilling to do or thinking you’re not able, or that the speaker is unable to find purpose in their life for something to do and get out of the situation they’re in.

Try: replace with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They is passive behavior. It means I’m not sure or I don’t want to but I guess I”ll try to do it, maybe to keep you happy. It is used an as excuse.

Fail: replace with ‘did not pass’. Nobody fails unless they’re unwilling. Those willing do not fail, but try again and find out how to change the situation or their self. When the participant find they are unable than they can recede. Which is okay. It either means they do not have the knowledge for the situation or something else holds them back. Failure means there’s a competition and living life is not a competition. Everyone has their own life and must find their way of living. Regardless of how the society believes. Society more often than not is wrong.

Quit: replace with ‘recede’. Quitting is a passive word. There’s always the change of doing it again. You either do it or you don’t do it.
Moving on is difficult. Moving on alone can be a tooth and nail climb. How do you know when you’re alone? How do you know when you’re not alone?
Finding yourself is the process of making yourself. What do you enjoy? Who do you respect? What do you choose to believe? It can be accepting what is and working with what you have using the inborn intelligence and grace within your mind. In today’s world we’re no long bound by culture, religion or values. When encountering new items in life, we realize we have the choice to change our beliefs, our way of life. We can no longer be held back by government ways or be told what is right and wrong. We choose to ignore a signal crossing or know to go against it will cost us something.
Within human nature we do our best to be self-preserved in protection, provision and procreation. It is innate to give and expect some contribution in return for your time and effort. As a matter of fact we are taught that in a relationship, it is a give and take. You give something, and than you take something. But love does not say this. It says we give, expecting nothing, and we receive. What is difficult in this aspect is that love says we give in humility, in ways we did not expect to be able to give. And we receive when we think or feel as if we did not deserve what we gained. I would have to say that this is the most amazing aspect of love. It can permeate lives. This is one reason why I do not believe tolerance is a way of living. Tolerance says I will stand you as long as I have to, or take some benefit I can from your existence if I’m able to. It does not actually better a society. It is only a stabilizer. Love tests us and encourages us to become better.
Here’s a small break down of 1 Corinthians 13.

“Love is patient.”
Am I patient with myself and others? Or am I
wanting what I think I need faster? Do I get impatient with others?
Why and how can I change this?

“Love is kind.”
Am I kind to myself and to others? Or do I get mad and frustrated over simple things?
Why and how can I change this?

“Love does not envy.”
Am I envious? If so, I need to learn to be content with godliness.

“Love does not boast.”
Am I more proud of myself and my accomplishments, or happy and content with what Christ has done
for me and working in me?

“Love is not proud.”
Have I been prideful in areas of my own heart? In areas I have worked hard in
or maybe I slack off in?
Do I act as if I know more than others and think I should teach them?

“Love is not rude.”
Do I push someone to do something for me when I could do it myself?

“Love is not self-seeking.”
Do I engage in activity that only gives me and satisfies me?
Do my actions glorify me or do they help others and glorify God?

Love is not easily angered.”
Do I easily get mad at myself or others?
Do I feel threatened by others and think they think less of me?
Do I feel or think I’m threatened in some way?

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
Am I hard on myself? Do I accept myself or do I
keep reminding myself of all the bad things and keep myself stuck?
Do I mention the bad things others have done to me, or mention it to them?
Do I always point out the faults in others all the time and say they should improve?

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
Do I revel in seeing someone else hurt?
Do I dwell on matters that hurt others and even hurting myself?

“Love always protects.”
Do I protect others or act like I do?
Do I defend others or use them and make jokes about any difficulties or problems
that I do not have hardship with?

Love always trusts.”
Do I trust others that they care about me?
Do I trust them with what is important to me?
Do I trust God?
Do I trust myself to walk and be confident even when facing fear and hardships?

“Love always hopes.”
Do I hope in what is true?
Is there hope in my faith?
Do I hope the best for another and encourage them and if so offer guidance
if asked? Or do I side step not wanting to be actually invovled?

“Love always perseveres.”
Do I persevere with someone in my life who is hurting?
Am I in life for the long run and be determined to find the strength there is?

“Love never fails.”
Do I choose to fail? To give up?

The Pudding Box

It can be difficult to grow and move past a way of thinking that we’ve been raised with or gained through another person’s actions upon us that caused some form of negative or maybe we could call it, a malnourished way of thinking. And when we encounter a society that has this preset form of characteristics and hallmarks of what a person is and what a person does the person is automatically placed into that and certain stigmas just fall into place and carried over into the rest of their lives.
But there is a way of getting out of this box there is a way out of a mode of thinking that we’ve been taught for generations. I don’t care about the box, I can’t care about the box. I’ve thought about the box too often. It’s the way of getting out of it that’s becoming more important. I’ve been taught about the box my whole life in religion, in society, in work, in education centers. What is important is seeing what is inside us even when we think no one else sees it, they possibly do. Because no matter what we hear it will not seep in because the filter of our hearts and minds are cluttered with brutal ideas and imaginations of what we believe about ourselves and what we’ve been taught about ourselves. This is the stupid box that we corral ourselves in to feel secure from the challenges of life we’ve been given. To mention The Doctor, we’re a planet of pudding brains.
We’ve been given life, breath, talents and abilities and a way of seeing something that no one else has. Regardless of what happens out there, outside of ourselves, what matters is what we allow to be inside of us, what we allow to come in. What we see, hear, feel, taste and smell will always come into our minds and bodies, it makes us aware of the situation but it does not make us a part of it, but that is not what we should be obsessed with. We’re obsessed with preludes and prequels and what ifs and possibilities. This way of thinking actually stifles us. What we should know is our freedom that we keep pressing back inside of ourselves. This is the key. What we allow to stay will either help us grow or foster and infest into a dirty filthy virus that will destroy us and seek to destroy others around us.
I slipped through the cracks of the education system. And society brands those who do as worthless and an annoyance upon society. We’re law breakers, mentally ill, sinful, deadbeats, addicts and whatever idiotic label they have. Unfortunately we’ve carried on that label because that’s what we do. As human beings we unconsciously carry what we know from others. We’re carriers of a label virus and we pass it onto those we can.
So how do we break this virus? This box? This is where it gets harder, and possibly the loneliest. This is a rite of passage that very few get to have, even the people who show themselves to be well kept.
Firstly, instead of seeing these labels and the situation we’re in or the mode of thinking we have to scare us as it rises inside of us which is set off by an outside circumstance, the circumstance is actually a scary passage through dark woods that calls out to us to go in, to see the treasures that are inside of you. But why is it scary? Because only the brave who didn’t know they were brave will rise to the challenge, only those with compassion who didn’t know they were compassionate will reach out. It’s a test and when it calls out to you, it believes in you.
Next way of breaking that box, that negative way of thinking, is to go into the situation and embrace. It is to lay yourself open to the possibility of falling. But that’s okay. Falling is part of nature, part of gravity in the world. Those we look down on you or try to discourage you with words only a pudding brain will think up seek only to destroy you and all you have to do is say no! I will not believe such insane lies about me! You can keep your measly stinking words to yourself pudding brain! No, don’t say that, that’s immature. We’d be just like them. And we’re in a rite of passage that very few have and partake of.
This is a start, a scary start. It’s where I am. Remember, there is hope and love and others out there who are going through the same thing. A band of brothers and sisters, a family.